Real Life Intervenes & Common Sense Prevails

Posted in Uncategorized on May 18, 2017 by Daila Holder

Nothing good ever happens in May.  Tonight, as I was helping one person decide on what interior he needed for his new custom ordered luxury car, discussing the bugginess of a vet trial run with another while my husband debated an 11 PM Taco Bell run, I got a call to tell me that my grandmother passed away.  I realized at that moment that there’s no one I can even tell.  I mean sure I told my husband the basic facts, but to actually tell him how I feel about it or tell the people I spend all day talking about a game or random silliness with I can’t.

I’m the person who gets told the things. I can’t tell others. When I do ever tell anyone anything, I’m just weird or too much.  No one wants to really understand how someone feels even I don’t want to understand myself.

I’ll miss my grandmother. She was good to me. She lived a long life and a good one. Though honestly I’m not actually sure how good it was, because I’m not sure I ever took the time to really know how she really felt emotionally.  Maybe she felt like her feelings were too much also and just worked on supporting and listening to others, as sharing a real part of yourself with someone is too much for everyone.

All Habits Die Hard or Last Night I Took an “L” and Tonight I Bounce Back

Posted in Multitude of Disclosures on May 4, 2017 by Daila Holder


When you do something everyday, almost all day long, for months, it becomes a habit.

I am trying to wean myself off of Slack. I am struggling slightly. I mean it’s not nicotine or caffeine, but I do feel a sense of anxiousness without it. I know it’s absolutely ridiculous as I didn’t contribute much but nonsense.  It had become my space to try to connect.  I think it’s why I want to blog so much right now, as I’m choking on random thoughts.  It’s funny how you think silly stuff like playing a game with someone means something or you’re friends, but people stop logging in every day. It’s all meaningless.

I never did impact those Slack statistics that much, but someone sure is….

So today I had a brilliant idea!  I do still enjoy ESO and just because I’m slowly moving away from one guild doesn’t mean I can’t find other people to enjoy.

I’ve always wanted to just join a few random guilds and try to interact and see what happens?  Seeing Raid in Slack obviously shows that one person can have an impact slightly on group dynamics.

I don’t think I would really want to impact group dynamics, as I just want to have new, fun experiences in game.  I always did want to do the bear farming guild and see what their story is.  Now I just have to figure out how to get invited to all these new guilds?!?  I guess that means I have to actually leave my house and play the game…

Of course I will continue to blog my lame adventures or attempt at adventures, because it’s what I do. What I do and what I love about me.  Feel too much, think too much, never stop. If it consumes me, then I was consumed by what mattered most, randomness, connections and attempts to distract myself from the things I don’t love as much.

4 Questions I Wish Were Answered, Should have been 3, I think.

Posted in Uncategorized on May 3, 2017 by Daila Holder
  1. Why do you think that I thought we were friends?
  2. Is finding someone fun, smart and with similar interests to waste time with online easy for you?
  3. Will I ever get any “eyerolls” again?
    c216a61522d3871fdec957db5f5e070a4. Why am I sad about it?

Lyrics Intermixed

Posted in Likes or Dislikes? on May 3, 2017 by Daila Holder

Are you gonna let me take your soul? My god, you lead me on, I’m gonna eat you whole

you and i are monsters
we’ll not find another
cannot be together
lest we eat each other

and if you must leave
leave as though fire burns under your feet
if you must speak
speak every word as though it were unique

and if you must die
remember your life
if you must fight
fight with yourself and your thoughts in the night

 Please don’t let me drown

There’s Truth in Fiction

Posted in Uncategorized on May 2, 2017 by Daila Holder

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Let’s go back to April of 2014, I got a call that sort of changed my life.  I was asked to work on a project that would require frequent travel for about a year of my life and with that project, I would gain not only valuable experience for my career, but also financial rewards.   I was in a rut at that point in my career and marriage.   I enjoyed my career.  It was easy.  It didn’t excite me, but it didn’t depress me.  I just felt I had more potential than what I had been doing at that point.

My marriage on the other hand was fine.  We had went through a very rough patch but had recovered.  Though, I also just felt unfulfilled.  Nothing too extreme, just moments of “Wow, this is all there is”, but those thoughts were easily pushed aside by a fun weekend or a good fuck.

Overall, though it’s hard to go back 3 years and exactly remember what I was feeling, I know it was only an occasional sense of dissatisfaction.

Back to the job offer, I discussed it briefly with Joel, but I knew I wanted to do it.  Looking back, I don’t regret that decision.  It was necessary, and who knows if I wouldn’t have ended up right where I am now.  Though, that’s getting ahead of myself in this story.

My commitment required me to travel to Philadelphia every other week and in addition work several weekends.  As most of you know, I live in the middle of nowhere, so I would spend every other Friday and Sunday in airports, and I took 8 flights a month.  I know for some this is quite common, but for me, it was a real departure from my life at that time.

I took to traveling frequently easily, as I knew I would, and the one year project turned in two and then three, finally ending after 3 1/2 years, even though it’s still slightly lingering even now just without the travel.   So I spent 3 1/2 years only seeing my husband 50% of the time and of that 50%, a lot of it was spent still working.

So how did this affect my marriage?  It actually seemed to improve.  The Friday’s I would come home, he would pick me up from the airport, and we would go have fun.  Every weekend though I would work a lot, we would have a lot of sex.  When I was away, we’d talk frequently, sexting, laughing and just sharing random tidbits from the day.  It’s as if absence did make our hearts grow fonder…   Honestly, I think it just shook us out of the routine of “What do you want for dinner?” and “Did you do laundry” and “Rigby needs dog food.”  Our time together was more precious, so we stopped talking about the small details and just focused on enjoying the time we did have together.   But 3 1/2 years is a long time and texts and phone calls only get you so far.

When the project travel started to slow down, it became obvious that my husband had developed a video game addiction while I was gone.  I mean it could have been a lot worse, right?  He could have become addicted to heroin or hookers, but it was a big change for him, as he was never really a gamer.  A real life friend started playing Division, and he expressed interest, and I got him a PS4 for that first Christmas I was away.   I just wanted him to have some company while I was away, and I figured playing video games online would be a good distraction from the empty house for him.

I was always more the gamer than he was, so when I started to be home 100% of the time, I felt like I too needed to fill my time with something.  I felt so empty without traveling.  At first, I started to do home projects that I had seen needed to be done in the time I was away, but building back decks and putting new tile in the laundry room can only last so long.  I started playing games as well, Fallout, Mass Effect, Skyrim, Witcher, etc. and the games were great, but as was common with me, I’d completely obsess for a few weeks, do all the things in the game and then be bored again.   After months of hearing me complain that I had beaten another game, Joel suggested I try an MMO.   I was hesitant to try one, because I figured they were full of teenagers or people I couldn’t relate to being in my 30’s and sort of basic.  Though, something had been happening with me in the few months I had been home, I had become so incredibly depressed.

I hide it from Joel as best I could, but I would cry all the time, in the shower, on the way to work, when he would come to bed, I’d stay awake and sob silently.  Even when we were out with friends, I’d find myself excusing myself to go to the restroom and cry.   It was extreme and overwhelming and pathetic.  I knew it was probably me just getting adjusted back to being home, at least that’s what I told myself.  I mean deep down inside, I knew it was depression, but you have to understand that I’ve always felt things deeply.  I do overthink and over-analyze everything, but I get over things pretty easily, I just knew this too would pass.  I just needed to love more and laugh more and stop being so fucking sad and pathetic.   Yet the more I told myself that or created upbeat playlists or planned weekends away, the more sad I became. Joel begin to notice.  I mean it’s hard not to notice when you’re in the car heading to the movies and your wife can’t stop crying for no reason at all.  He wanted me to get help, but help seemed so final.  I mean it’s so fucking ironic that me, in my position where I give help all day, I didn’t want help.  I think asking for help would be acknowledging that this was my new normal, and I didn’t want it to be.  I’m not that person.  I’m happy.  I’m flippant.  I’m silly.  I’m loving.  I’m passionate.  I’m spontaneous.  I’m not depressed.   I’m not sad.  I refused to be.  I just needed a distraction.

So I took Joel’s advice and decided to start playing an MMO, Elder Scrolls Online (ESO).  It was an easy choice as I had a couple of real life friends that played, and they were nice enough to teach me about it.  As was typical with me, I sort of devoured it, within a few days, I had already surpassed my friend’s level and knowledge, even though they had been playing off and on for a while, but one thing about me is I do give good commitment to worthless endeavors, at least temporarily.

Surprisingly playing ESO helped, and when I joined a guild, I found the social interaction that I was missing with my other games.  I mean, it’s obvious, I enjoy social.   In fact, I think at some point I even put the social aspect of the game ahead of the game part of the game.

 

I just don’t know how healthy my commitment to ESO is. I’ve stopped doing a lot of things I used to enjoy and have replaced that time with ESO.  At least I’m not crying everyday, so there’s that.

Show Me What You Got

Posted in Multitude of Disclosures on May 1, 2017 by Daila Holder

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It’s obvious I enjoy disclosures, but I debated making this post. It’s not easy to reveal your ass, cleavage, lips, etc. even to random strangers, who don’t really matter, especially when you are more than aware of your every shortcoming.  Though, I felt like this exposure was necessary in order to convey my point.  I can also go back and make it private, as I sometimes do when I feel like I reveal too much.

Posting and exchanging sexy pictures online has become the norm, sometimes you see someone’s breasts before you even know their name.   I’m not against this policy at all.  I just wonder how it affects future communications.  As someone that knows my breasts are too large, my nipples too pale, my ass too round, my face too babyish, my lips too thin, why would I even share at all?  It’s disconcerting to know that some random person knows I have a small freckle on my left boob and is that really information they need for us to be able to communicate?  I don’t know.  I know it’s fun.  It’s fun, if it’s wanted attention.  It’s not the idea that you are their physical ideal, as much as it is adult show and tell.  The thrill is in the sending, not necessarily in the follow-up.  Though I do enjoy follow-up.

I wonder though if just getting the pics has become the ultimate game. It’s become more “I don’t really care what you’re saying, as long as I eventually see your tits”.  I think that’s a shame.  My philosophy has always been that I can see cock anywhere online, but knowing that cock is connected to someone who is intelligent, witty and charming is what gets me off.

It’s 1:00 AM and I’m Always Bored 

Posted in Uncategorized on April 30, 2017 by Daila Holder

When you can’t ask them questions, and they don’t care to ask you any, what the fuck do you do?

You talk inane randomness and let them eye-roll. As long as it’s fun…

Too bad you like his sarcastic tone and snide remarks too much to stop spamming him, but when it comes down to it, him saying “You don’t bother me.” will never mean “I enjoy you too.”