Posted in Uncategorized on January 18, 2018 by Daila Holder

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I’m beginning to think I’m really bad at being friends.  I guess I just don’t know how to do it anymore.  I just want to talk to people too much or expect too much.  I guess before I can try to be friends with someone, I need to fix all this sadness I have.  I can’t expect someone else to make me happy.  I think I’m just going to quit trying.  I just don’t know how not to be me, and I keep caring about people and getting hurt.  It’s not anyone’s fault but my own.

 

 

How Do I Get Me So Wrong So Often?

Posted in Uncategorized on January 15, 2018 by Daila Holder

I am so dumb!  That’s all.  Carry on.

Sunshine & Saviors

Posted in Uncategorized on January 4, 2018 by Daila Holder

Today is the first day I’ve felt like me in weeks.  I’ve been hit with a lot the last couple of months with my dad’s sickness, my sickness and some internal warring between my heart and head.  I think it’s all going to get sorted though.  Though the last three weeks, there were days that I really didn’t know if I could make it no matter how many pep talks I gave myself.

Yet today, inexplicably, I woke up still a little sick but determined.  I have such a hard time with things ending even when I set the ending in motion.  It’s really been dragging me down lately to sort of deal with moving on and putting things behind me, but time helps.

I laugh it off and call it ridiculous, but in all honesty, I was hurt.  The whole thing was dumb.  I hurt myself with it, but I was hurt all the same.  Self preservation has prevailed, time is healing the hurt, and I will be just fine.

Just fine is about all I aim for anymore and just fine sounds wonderful to me.

 

 

Wake up

Posted in Uncategorized on December 31, 2017 by Daila Holder

I woke up sad on New Year’s Eve. If I don’t fix it quickly, I’ll wake up sad on New Year’s Day. Please let me fix it! I can’t think of any other day that it’s worse to be sad on than New Year’s Day.

Everyone is making resolutions, so hopeful for the new year, and I’m like whoa this life thing doesn’t feel so good. If my dad wasn’t sick, maybe I’d do something about it, but I sort of can’t at the moment.

So it’s mind over mind at the moment, I can’t be sad. I can’t. It’s not a good time. Come back next year. This year I have enough real things that will make me sad that I don’t need some manufactured bulllshit sadness that makes me wake up crying on a day I don’t have to work. Sure it’s cold. Sure everyone is sick, but there’s plenty to not be sad about, now I just need to think of what those things are.

For all those people not sad on NYE, I envy you. For all those people sad like me, if you send me help, I’ll send you help? Thanks in advance!

I Got Something For That

Posted in Uncategorized on December 28, 2017 by Daila Holder

You know what cures not being able to breath, clears it right up, a really amazing, mind-blowing, toe curling, eyes watering, legs shaking, juices running down my thighs, fucking perfect orgasm.  I told my mom I was going to urgent care to get a shot but decided to spend a good half hour giving myself a shot of self love instead, and boom I’m cured.

Okay seriously, not cured, I still sound like shit, but I feel a million times better for the moment at least.   If I start feeling worse later, I’m sure a good fucking will work it all out.

Just don’t tell my mom I didn’t go to urgent care!  Hearing her nag me will make me need at least three more orgasms stat!

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Separating My Plastic Thoughts From My Aluminum

Posted in Uncategorized on December 28, 2017 by Daila Holder

I’ve always said that this blog is my recycling bin of sorts where I dump every thought when I’m done with it or desperately want to be done with it.  Some thoughts will get repurposed into something better, more useful and others will end up where they belong at the bottom of a trash heap.  I don’t really have a choice of which ones end up where, but either way I want them all out of me today.

Recently, I told someone something extremely honest, and even though I know they didn’t want to hear it or appreciate it in any way, I’m very glad I said it.  But of course, because I’m me, I must say, but wait, wait there’s more!

I said that time has a way of warping our own view of our self-worth, and oh my god is that so true.  I think it’s easy to assume with all I’ve said here that I meant that time has a way of making you think you deserve less, or making you find a way to deal with so much bullshit and just accept it, because fuck everyone has bullshit to deal with and this is yours.  BUT (yes I hate starting a sentence with but, just deal with it) I also mean that time has a way of making us think our thoughts and our actions are much more important than they really are, because in the end, very little of what we do and what we think truly matters.  It’s so god damn meaningless.  So yes, both things are true all at once, we swallow bullshit daily and learn to accept less in life, all while somehow thinking we deserve so much more, because we think deep down inside that we’re special.

So yes, I overthink and want things to be the way I want them to be.  I care about other people or situations too much, all while being almost completely apathetic about my own day to day. I have a fucked-up sense of my own self worth, sometimes thinking I deserve less than I do, but most of the time honestly, I think way too highly of myself.  So what?

Aren’t you just the same as me?  Aren’t we all?  Perhaps you don’t care about me or the things I care about, but you care about other people who may or may not give a fuck about you either, so how is that any different?  Sure, you’re grounded.  You seem to have a good sense of who you are and what you want out of life, but remember what I said and believe it, time has a way of warping everything.  You may find that in a few years you have everything you wanted and may still feel that deep-rooted anxiety that may keep you up at night.

It’s messy.  It’s depressing.  It’s sad.  People die.  People love.  People stop talking.  People quit. It’s all we have, and it’s not super precious or complicated like so many people tell you, but it is quick.  It’s so quick that I will always say what I want to say to whomever I want to say it, even if they don’t want to hear it.  Knowing you make someone happy shouldn’t make you roll your eyes or feel irritation.  There’s no strings attached.  There never was.  It was always just what it was supposed to be.  Two people passing time, one of whom happened to enjoy the other, not completely meaningless, but not especially meaningful either.  It’s all just life, a series of encounters and thoughts that mean nothing and everything all at once.

I’m going to stop making assumptions that you actually want to hear from me, because I 100% believe you don’t and that’s okay.  Though, it’s super hard for me to imagine you don’t want at least three comments a day from me, because I’m so fucking awesome obviously.

That’s it.  I’m done.  Emptying my recycle bin now!

P.S. I really hate there’s not some sort of whoooosh sound when you empty your mind’s recycling bin.  Someone missed the mark on that one!

 

And the 2017 Award for Best Me Goooooooes To…..

Posted in Uncategorized on December 27, 2017 by Daila Holder

Surprise!  It’s not me.  No seriously, the 2017 award for “Best Me” can not possibly go to me, because I did a really shitty job of being me this year.

Let’s recap (Oh, random tidbit, I LOVE, ADORE, SUPER IN LOVE WITH, WANT TO MARRY AND KISS ALL OVER, end of year reviews/recaps.)  Soooooo, seriously, let’s recap this bitch, 2017, me, all of it in gory detail, hit it:

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Starting with something easy, music.  According to Spotify, I listened to about 17 days of music this year.  I feel fairly diversified in my musical tastes, I mean look at that 25 genres, that’s a lot.  Can you even name 25 different genres of music?  I didn’t think so!  This really doesn’t even count my car listening time as I rarely use Spotify in my car.  That’s 17 days of music I listened to at home while reading, showering, cleaning, dancing around, tripping over my dog, irritating my dog, cuddling my dog, okay yes, I listen to music a lot with my dog to his miserable delight!

goodreads

I’m actually a little ashamed of my book numbers for the year, as I usually read a lot more, but my next yearly stat will easily explain why my reading is slightly down in 2017.  First, I didn’t travel at all this year, so my airplane reading of about five books a week was reduced to only about five books a month.  The sad thing is I couldn’t even tell you a fantastic book I read this year that I would recommend.  Nothing really captured my attention.  I did finish The Shades of Magic series which was pretty decent.

The real thing that captured my attention this year was ta dah….

xbox

I spent 1,772 hours, yes that’s almost 74 days, 74 out of 365 days in the year, 74 days playing Xbox, BUT I need some explanation of that number,  Please for the love of God, Alcast, Rigby, tell me that includes my Netflix viewing, otherwise, I’m feeling super duper ashamed!  I put 1,772 hours into a game that I’m not even decent at playing!  lol

I mean seriously, I’m 100% average at ESO, and if Xbox is right, I played the freaking game for 73 days.  I feel like if I put 73 days into anything else, I may at least have something to show for it.  I just feel so stupid.  I mean I did enjoy my time. I enjoyed the quests, the lore, the visuals, but I wouldn’t have stayed so long if it wasn’t for the other players, which I guess is the true purpose of a MMO.

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413 hours of music, 60 books and 73 days of video games doesn’t make my whole year, but it comes close.  Sure we had some trips in there, but I didn’t accomplish anything truly noteworthy.  I didn’t learn a musical instrument, a foreign language, travel the world, run a marathon or change anyone’s life.  I didn’t even change my own life.  I just consumed media.

I was a consumer, not a creator, not a generator, not a producer and for sure not an inspiration for myself or others.  One thing I am though is honest.  I’m honest with myself, and I can’t promise that next year will be any different.  People would say if you’re not happy with 2017, then make 2018 different, but I’m not 100% dissatisfied with 2017.  I do think I can manage my free time better, but isn’t that the purpose of free time to not be managed?  Just to be free?  Free to binge that eight episode show on Netflix, free to listen to the new Kendrick album on repeat on Spotify, free to get lost in a video game and honest enough to not be so hard on ourselves when we realize we lost 6 hours and it’s 2 AM and we were so lost in a video game, so distracted that we didn’t even realize it was way past time for bed.

See that’s the thing, life is pretty fucking mundane and sometimes we need distractions from the 9 – 5 bullshit.  I’m not saying you need 74 days of distractions, but I think whatever distractions it takes to allow you to keep getting up each day and heading to the job site or the office or whatever way you earn your living and to keep yourself sane, do it, even if it’s 74 days worth.  Just when you sit down to review your year, instead of thinking Jesus Fucking Christ, I spent 74 days playing a video game, think instead, I sure did need a lot of distractions this year, I wonder if there’s something I’m distracting myself from that I need to address.  If there is, might want to take a look at that, if there’s not, I’m about to invite you to an Xbox party, just ignore the music playing in the background and the sounds of my dog whining!

Happy New Year!

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